Sunday, October 30, 2011

Bro Problem #2: Bitch spilled a beer on my mixboard...AND I didn't get it in.

Today a bro told me about his unfortunate weekend.  Being a pledge sucks, apparently.  But this bro, being a DJ, gets to do music at his frat's parties, and therefore rarely has to deal with the normal pledge duties once the party has started and the music is pumping.

Now the first half of this problem is a serious issue: the spillage of beers during frat parties.  Especially when it is on your $1200 mixboard you are trying to DJ with.  In this case, some "stupid bittie" knocked over her red Solo cup, spilling all the beer onto the mixboard.  Not only did the music cease until a laptop was plugged, but the mixboard ended up being fried because of this.  As I said previously, this actually sucks.  What makes this a bro problem is what this bro said next:

"And on top of that, I didn't even get it in this weekend, man.  It fucking sucks."

What shocked me was that the brevity of this statement FAR exceeded that of the previous paragraph explaining how a $1200 piece of electronic equipment had been more or less turned into a worthless pile of scrap metal.  It was as if having sex would have made his $1200 loss of the weekend ok and bearable.  The bro was not at all pleased about losing his mixboard, but was even more miffed that he wasn't pleased by a bittie or two over the weekend's activities.

Life as a bro is not easy.  This has been Bro Problem #2.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Bro Problem #1: Bros Leaving Bros

Today a bro informed me of his unfortunate situation.  While studying at the library with a fellow pledge to ATO, he fell asleep.  His supposed bro ended up leaving him there, at a study table, sleeping (and probably drooling) on the desk.  He stormed in the dorm and announced that he was "fucking pissed."  Poor poor broseph, whatcha gonna do?

About an hour later he declared down the hall to a different bro "Tell [bro #1] that he can go fuck himself. Fuck him. Tell him I hate him." In response, the bro he was talking to said "Bro, do you mean [name of bro who actually left him there, not the other bro who he mixed names with]?"

"....Yeah, that's what I meant. Fuck him!"

Life as a bro is not easy.  This has been Bro Problem #1.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Welcome to Bro Problems...They'll take your hat by the door.

This is the first entry of Bro Problems, a blog devoted to the trying/tribulating, woe-some/worry-some, and sex-filled (or even worse, sexless) days of the "bro."

Urban dictionary defines a bro as such:

"Obnoxious partying males who are often seen at college parties. When they aren’t making an ass of themselves they usually just stand around holding a red plastic cup waiting for something exciting to happen so they can scream something that demonstrates how much they enjoy partying. Nearly everyone in a fraternity is a bro but there are also many bros who are not in a fraternity. They often wear a rugby shirt and a baseball cap. It is not uncommon for them to have spiked hair with frosted tips."

I would like to add a bit to this.  They do not wear just any baseball cap.  There is a specific way to wear such a hat, and by wearing a hat in one of the to-be-described manners, you announce to the world "Look at me. I am bro." Before I go any further about hats, you must understand that hats that do not keep hat shape when not on a head are NOT classified under any sort of "bro" hat.

Now, there are three acceptable ways to wear a hat if you are a bro.  I will list them in order of bro-est to least bro.

Hat-Wearing Way #1- Straight-up bro.
A hat consists of two main parts, the brim and the part that actually touches the head.  Now that I have stipulated that the latter part has to maintain its shape when not upon a head, let us focus on the brim.

Straight-up bros wear the brim flat as Paris Hilton's chest.


Hat-Wearing Way #2- Obviously Bro
The second way to wear a hat and be a bro keeps the brim straight, but this time one must turn the hat around 180º.

Hat-Wearing Way #3- Hmmmm.....probably a bro.

The final way to wear a hat and be a bro requires a bit more information that just the hat in most cases. Brim either flat or curved (the flatter the more easily-recognizable bro).  Hat placement about 20-30º from straight forward.  This is the least bro.

Special thing to be cautious of: Watch out that for people with curved brims, they may not be bros.  They may just be normal people that just can't put on a hat straight.

One small note on picture #3....the thing of importance is that hat placement, not the color of Jay-Z's skin.  Jay Z is not bro, he is gangsta. However, there are many similarities between bros and gangstas.

Now that my first post is done, I plan to update as frequently as bro problems arise.  True, this first post was not bro problems, but that is because it is the introductory post, elaborating on who gets classified as a bro.